when I had my first panic attack I was at work and you
know what they told me. they told me that I needed to
come up with a better excuse to go home early next time.
that I had nothing to panic about because I file paperwork
and make phone calls all day and that’s it. my coworker said
that if I could not handle my job now then I sure as hell would
not succeed anywhere else. and so, with my heart still bouncing
in my chest and my fingers still veiny from quivering, I had to
return to stapling forms. my mind swiftly drifted away from my
body and I began to watch myself in my cubicle from above. my
thoughts coated with adrenaline, I thought… is this real was this
really happening to me why
d o n ‘ t I feel
co nne cte d
to my body anymore?
why am I no t hing but a ghost
tha t mo st pe opl e can see?
when will this stop will this ever stop why is my body in fight
or flight mode when I am doing nothing dangerous… or is living
what’s most dangerous of all. everyone dreams about flying
until they get their own wings. then just like that they’re frozen
in time just like I am. I don’t want to wake up as a ninety year old
and wonder where my time has gone I don’t want to die wondering
when I will get to live.
Patricia Grudens graduated from Ithaca College with a Bachelors of Science degree in Marketing/Communications. The various writing classes that she took meshed together and sparked a deep love for poetry, and she cannot imagine not having writing as a large part of her life. (facebook.com/pgruden1)