“Shattered” by LL Hager

Falling and fallen
An angel turned devil
What else could go wrong?
Nothing is everything
But everything will die
And everyone will suffer
In the eternal fires of hell
Where nothing can matter
Where you never mattered
And I can scream fuck
To everyone
And everything
And tell them who I hate
And why I hate you
And everything
Over and over again
There we go with the hatred
Haven't I passed this little phase?
No. I've come back
I'm allowed
These are my emotions
I'm allowed to hate.
But it's not really you I'm hating
It's me
But I don't know why
I thought I'd gotten over you
And I thought I'd gotten over
My self-worthlessness
But I guess neither are true
When you look at what I think of myself
You'll find something less than shit
No, less than that
Maybe even farther down
Than I'm trying to portray
I don't believe I could be worth anything
But I can't just go around
Saying I hate myself
So I'll hate you instead
I've done it before
So why not again?

Everything dies
And everyone shatters
In upon themselves
Where the shards of our dreams
Are just small enough
So we can't see them
But they can still cut us
Oh so deeply
Cut through to our soul
And let that flow away
So we can live life totally hollow
And not care
Not care about death
Or about life
Or about friends
Or life--again
Nothing could matter
So no one would be upset
Or happy, either
I'm not happy
I don't think I ever was.
Were you?
Probably not in your final moments
God, if I hate you
Why do I want to join you?
Everything's worth shit
I hate everyone
So why do I want to join you?
Wouldn't that be bringing myself down to your level?
No! I can't do that. No!
I can't be you
I can't abandon everything--
Or is that nothing--
I can't abandon the world
But I can't hate you either
So I can long to be with you
And I can watch rusty metal
And wonder what it would feel like
If I could cut
Just a little farther
But no...
No! No, no, no...
I don't want to fall that far
Farther down than where I am
To the level of those most selfish
Most stupid.
God... I called you stupid, didn't I?
No... No, you couldn't have been
But you were always there.
Almost.
Not in the end.
What am I saying?
I don't know.
God, I don't care. I really don't
I guess I don't care about much
Not really.
But I'd care again, if you could come back
But I know you can't
So I guess I can be mad about it
I'm allowed.
They're my emotions.
I think...
Nothing makes sense
Nothing is anything.
Everything is rotting
And everyone is crying
And everyone is dying
And I am alone
In a world of billions
Packed into the over-crowded world
Without care
Without...
Anything...
Nothing...
That's what I am.
That's what you are.
Everything is --
And --
Oh, shit... I don't know!
I really don't fucking know!

I guess I do
But I don't want to admit it
So I block it from my mind
Or is that only from my thought?
I don't like to think much
It hurts
'Cause I remember
Things
You. God, yes... You. Is that surprising?
I remember you
That one I hate
Yet idolize
The one who I thought was everything
But now I know is nothing and...
And...
God, I don't know. I don't know!
Everything is shattered
Everything is confusion
Everyone is hating
And there's no way around it
No way... No way!
The way God created the world
There is nothing left
Nothing important.
You're gone.
And I'm supposed to hate you.
Or is that I want to hate you?
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
God, I should have gotten over this!
But it's only getting worse
Farther down
Farther away from reality
Spinning, crashing, flying, dying.
Nothing anymore
In the eyes of God
As if there was ever anything
And everything is dead
And everyone is ash
And nothing will be all right ever again

God end it now!
I want to be with you
But I hate you
But I hate myself
I don't know what to do
Except scream at the world
And hate myself
And hate you
And everyone
Not that they'd care what I said
Not that I'D care what I said
Like shit...
Like shit... God, someone has to care!
If I don't
Then there's nothing... No one can help me.
But... GOD! I want help
And I want to care
And I want to be cared for
I don't want to hate
And I want you back
BUT THERE IS NOTHING.
God, there is nothing.
There's one person I can turn to
But nothing else
No one else
And I can't explain anything!
But I need to explain everything
To everyone
THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW
Even if the world doesn't care
And I don't care
And God...
No one could care
Everything is ended
And everyone is screaming
In pain
Desperate to escape the world;
So I'm not alone after all.
EVERYONE suffers
Not only me.
I NEED people, okay?
I need you... But you aren't here
And there's only one other person
God, I feel so alone
But no one has ever understood me
No one could ever understand me
And everything... It's stopping
And turning and falling
And...
Everyone is --

It's over
But it's beginning
And I need things to be sorted
Hatred to be destroyed--
By more hatred, if necessary--
Because I can't hate you
I can't hate me
Never, no...
NO! God... Why is everything like this?
This is...
NO! No, no, no... It can't happen this way!
I KNOW I have to live
But I can't... It's so hard...
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
God, why am I crying?
WHY DO I HAVE TO CRY?
God, make me stop crying...
I don't want to cry... God... NO! No, never...
NOTHING can end this way...
I can't end this way...
You can't destroy me like this!
I can't destroy me like this...
I won't be a show for God, or my peers, or the world
No matter how much fun they might have.
NO! Never. Never again will they laugh at me
But there is only one way to make that happen.
GOD I don't want to die
But I have to.
But I can't.
I can't join you
Because I hate you
And I hate me
And I hate this fucking world...

Life's a bitch
Then you die
So fuck the world
And try not to cry