“Strong?” by Amanda DiDonna


All they see is a happy girl
A happy girl in this fucked up world
They see her fake smile that she puts on everyday
They don't know this pain that doesn't go away
They don't see her break down and cry
They don't know that at one point all she wanted was to die
They don't know the cut after cut that helps her
They don't know that to her this is a curse
And see, you don't know who she is or what she has to go though every single day
She has to get up and go to school and be who everyone wants her to be
She has to put on that fake smile so people think she's okay
Those fake clothes to hide her cuts from that night that will happen again during the day
and the nightmares that will come during the night and the depression that is happening daily
that family doesn't help with so she knows that those coaches were right
A team is a family, they're all she has
but if she goes to them she feels bad
because then they gotta worry about this and it's not fair
Not fair to her, not fair to anyone
they all gotta deal with this, all of them, her friends, her family, the people who kinda know her
and the thing is that she just doesn't know what to do
she's crying she's hurting
she knows a cut will hurt everyone
a bullet will hurt her friends
and this pencil will send her deeper and deeper into that depression
because this is the only way she can speak
the only way she can think
with all this shit she has to deal with she can't tell anyone or else she's no longer strong she's broken
and a DiDonna can't be broken they're to good for that
well I can't take it, I am weak, I am hurting, and this can't be right that this is the only way I can say it
I can't take it
because she is me
I'm hurting, I have all of this happening that won't stop to let me breathe
I'm outta breath, I gotta choke down my life cause it sucks
I can't breathe anymore I'm dying without doing anything but trying to get better
yes she is trying but nothing works
her friends try to help but she doesn't want to go to them when she's hurting
because a DiDonna can't let people see her break and bust
and she is a DiDonna so she's gotta pull it together but every time she tries by herself
she breaks even more
she doesn't want to be weak and she knows
the only way it'll get better is with help from her friends
but no matter how hard they try they'll never know what's happening in her head
so the nights almost done
she's holding that gun
before she goes to bed
she places it to her head
and says I love my friends
and that's why I won't let this end
as she throws the gun aside
and again she's not strong enough
not strong enough to say goodbye.