“Laughter” by Claudia Anne Krizay

My home is the only world I can
Be myself, though- who myself is,
I have not yet learned,
The world outside my picture window I don't believe in,
As some religion that is too far-gone for me
To come to understand,
It is within the world inside,
I stand alone, or inside this world, my home,
I can be me, even if I want to harm myself, or
I feel so afraid or too shut down
I can never cry, though
I can sit on my living room floor,
Thinking of all of the silly childish games
I played, or the funny things my father used to say,
Or even all of the family fun that hardly ever happened,
I can laugh alone, and aloud as
My cup holds no water,
I can also laugh at the voices I hear,
most especially when they sing or
Tell me that I am beautiful,
I could pick a rose and touch
its supple petals in the springtime,
But only inside my world,
A thorn might pierce the palm of my hand,
I would never cry, because I have no feelings,
This inane laughter begins to overtake. .
Outside my picture window
I can see cars driving down the boulevard,
People going to work, or out to have some fun,
living their normal lives,
Something, however I had been told I never was,
I just sit on the carpet and think about the past-
The humor of it all, filtering out the bad,
The sadness and the pain all of the abuse I took.
And who is to say anything has changed?
So, I just sit cross-legged upon the carpet
And laugh and laugh- until I finally begin to cry-
Not even knowing why- conceivably
It is because I am just the same person
I have always been-
Perhaps a bit older and wiser,
But still in terrible pain as
far back as my thoughts take me,
Memories of it all, - how my mother wouldn't let me cry.
She has been gone for a long time now,
But I still cannot give in to the tears,
Because I have no feelings,
Just as I were inhuman- although I do believe
I will die someday perhaps even soon-
I am alive although I have no feelings.
So I will just sit upon the floor and
laugh and laugh at funny things
All day long until someone finds me here alone and
takes me away
And locks me in a clean white room-
But nothing will have really changed.
I will try to think of funny things and laugh-
For some strange far out reason
I can't think of anything else-
Those times have come fewer and farther between-
I am in a different place now-
I am locked inside a room with soundproof walls-
Feelings of hopelessness and despair
have just taken over-
I try to find some humor in it all, though
Something must be different about this laughter-
Someone just stuck a needle in my arm and
I begin to scream, because
I have just learned who I really am, and I don't like it.
I don't know what is real and what isn't now,
I guess it doesn't matter because
I have no feelings, but now I see that
That was just a silly childish game I played-
although this time
It just isn't funny anymore, and perhaps it never was.
I could die with no water in my cup,
Because I just let it all spill upon the carpet
And there is no room for laughter in this place...