“When I Die” by Claudia Anne Krizay


When I die
All of my trials,
The pain of this malaise, and
The ghosts and demons of my past and present
Shall perish as I exit this world-
I speak not of reality,
Which I have hardly ever known,
Only the phantasmal land
Where the devils of my past are dwelling,
I shall not speak of unreality or
The trials of my future,
As I foresee no future
Only trials and very few tribulations-
Perhaps the future shall hold for me
If only my dreams would come true,
As many angels,
As the old saying goes
That can dance upon the head of a pin
Which of course can only be of a very few,
Above the clouds,
Fluffy and white
Against a sky of cerulean blue,
When I die
I would only hope
That there is where I would find myself-
In that place that Christians have coined as "heaven,"
I cannot say I do not believe, as
No one, myself included
Has ever conversed with the dead.
They have also spoken of a place called "hell"
A place that I have seen so much of on this very planet,
Where fire has been set to my very soul,
Whereby fate was the arsonist. and
I know that from the day I was born
It was with a spirit that has been damned, and
When I die,
I wish to leave behind
All of my trials and pain
The demons of my past and present,
Only hoping that the future holds for me-
That I may find myself basking
beneath the heat of the sun
Resting upon a fluffy white cloud
Sailing across the sea of sky -
Shades of cerulean blue,
My dream would be to be
Amongst the few angels
Chosen to dance upon the head of a pin
A ballerina with wings,
With legs stepping gracefully,
As those of a fawn, though a bit shaky-
Oh, what does the future hold for me?
I will only find out after I am dead and gone,
There could not possibly be any more agony
Than past memories,
Or present experiences, only and only if
I die soon shall I find relief,
It is written in my book of prayers
Inscribed across that sky of cerulean blue
When I speak of what reality has meant to me-
Nothing but a life of being afraid
Of just about everyone and everything-
The future couldn’t possibly hold any more battles
I shall exit this war zone and
Enter nirvana, and if the future holds no hope for me
When I die
I hope that death is, as many do believe
Will be none but a final sleep for me
And I shall just close my eyes tightly shut,
Maybe I shall never dance upon the head of a pin,
Or bask beneath the sun as I rest upon a cloud.
Perhaps just falling asleep
To never awaken again in any world
Even if it were to be heaven,
For heaven could turn
out to be a repeat of hell on earth-
Nobody could ever know for certain, as
Death as is life-
Is just another mystery?