The streets are wet with gray snow that sprays it's icy raw with each step. A bitter winter wind blows through you, disregarding layers of clothing to clutch at your throat.
Down one street and another you trudge. Each step brings you closer yet you disbelieve you'll ever get there. All you can think of is the cold, unable to think of anything else.
The slush from the streets has worked itself through your shoes leaving your feet numb and socks soaked.
Finally those disbelieving steps have ended and carried you here. You walk up the sidewalk and into the door. You enter with the confidence of having been here before. You enter embracing the warmth which surrounds you, embraces you and kisses your laughing skin. Only your feet are uncomfortable, reminding you of the cold.
You walk down the hallway and knock on the apartment door.
You're gripped with the usual fear that he's not home. Two knocks, three...
He is and the door creaks open. At once you sense something wrong. The door does not swing open merrily inviting you in. Nor does he.
He was sleeping. Tired. Come back later.
Yes, you say, yes I will. I love you. You hear the lie in his carefully guarded cold voice and see it in his carefully guarded cold eyes.
Your eyes fill with tears as you return down the hallway and exit through the door.
The cold startles you with it's cruel intensity, mocks you.
I was waiting for you all along it whispers, ruthlessly murdering the warmth.
The tears fall faster now but it doesn't matter. They course down your face and freeze. Turn to ice.
In this life I could have been
Someone great or wonderful
Just like everybody wants to be, although
I never wanted or cared to be.
I could have climbed a tree until I reached the sky
Way up there upon the highest branch for everyone to see,
Or to be as an eagle soaring above the rest
I have been told I could have been,
Somewhere along the way I hurt myself
Not intentionally, although
This I have done before, I must confess,
Only because inside of me
Something went wrong some time ago,
Perhaps even before I came into this world.
I cannot remember the day
I began to lose myself,
It happened just so long ago, although
As far back as I remember
I was so afraid of everything.
One day when I ws fourteen or so,
I also became fearful of everyone, and it was then
The world fell out from under me
I cried and cried for hours until
Everything inside of me
Wracked with pain and misery,
It seemed that suddenly after that I
Began to hear things nobody else could hear,
And believe things that others said could never be
And it seemed that on that say,
I left this world and
Stopped speaking to everyone-
Except for some far away people who lived inside of me,
Not so far away from me, however-
People only I could see,
People who only talked to me,
I never left my room until
Somehow I found myself
Locked in an unfamiliar place
With other people just like me.
This was nearly forty years ago, but in all honestly
All I can say,
I still cannot climb any tree and touch the sky,
I have been called an eagle with a broken wing
Who has tried so many times to fly and
Every time I lift my wings to fly, I fall to the ground once more.
Now I walk through the woods
Every single day and look up at the treetops,
Not even wanting to climb up there, for
I have found a different way to love these trees and
A way to enjoy a deep-blue sky-
I will never be great or wonderful,
I have no place in reality,
But have made the woods my sanctuary,
I cannot fly, but I can walk,
I may never reach the sky-
But I have found some peace of mind
in simple things, yes,
Like just looking at the treetops and the sky and
enjoying them- and
That is all right with me.
My home is the only world I can
Be myself, though- who myself is,
I have not yet learned,
The world outside my picture window I don't believe in,
As some religion that is too far-gone for me
To come to understand,
It is within the world inside,
I stand alone, or inside this world, my home,
I can be me, even if I want to harm myself, or
I feel so afraid or too shut down
I can never cry, though
I can sit on my living room floor,
Thinking of all of the silly childish games
I played, or the funny things my father used to say,
Or even all of the family fun that hardly ever happened,
I can laugh alone, and aloud as
My cup holds no water,
I can also laugh at the voices I hear,
most especially when they sing or
Tell me that I am beautiful,
I could pick a rose and touch
its supple petals in the springtime,
But only inside my world,
A thorn might pierce the palm of my hand,
I would never cry, because I have no feelings,
This inane laughter begins to overtake. .
Outside my picture window
I can see cars driving down the boulevard,
People going to work, or out to have some fun,
living their normal lives,
Something, however I had been told I never was,
I just sit on the carpet and think about the past-
The humor of it all, filtering out the bad,
The sadness and the pain all of the abuse I took.
And who is to say anything has changed?
So, I just sit cross-legged upon the carpet
And laugh and laugh- until I finally begin to cry-
Not even knowing why- conceivably
It is because I am just the same person
I have always been-
Perhaps a bit older and wiser,
But still in terrible pain as
far back as my thoughts take me,
Memories of it all, - how my mother wouldn't let me cry.
She has been gone for a long time now,
But I still cannot give in to the tears,
Because I have no feelings,
Just as I were inhuman- although I do believe
I will die someday perhaps even soon-
I am alive although I have no feelings.
So I will just sit upon the floor and
laugh and laugh at funny things
All day long until someone finds me here alone and
takes me away
And locks me in a clean white room-
But nothing will have really changed.
I will try to think of funny things and laugh-
For some strange far out reason
I can't think of anything else-
Those times have come fewer and farther between-
I am in a different place now-
I am locked inside a room with soundproof walls-
Feelings of hopelessness and despair
have just taken over-
I try to find some humor in it all, though
Something must be different about this laughter-
Someone just stuck a needle in my arm and
I begin to scream, because
I have just learned who I really am, and I don't like it.
I don't know what is real and what isn't now,
I guess it doesn't matter because
I have no feelings, but now I see that
That was just a silly childish game I played-
although this time
It just isn't funny anymore, and perhaps it never was.
I could die with no water in my cup,
Because I just let it all spill upon the carpet
And there is no room for laughter in this place...
ran out of words
to express the pain my heart feels
i sit in the darkness of my mind
where do i begin
was it growing up without a father
or was it not getting the love i so badly needed
or was it me
to kind and forgiving
i've ran out of words to say
ran out of excuse
excuses i make every time you break my heart
can some find the words i want to say
find the reason i was born
in this country
in this family
does anyone hear the cries of my heart
the weeping of my soul
see my hands reaching out of the darkness
hoping praying dying for things to change
i ask myself
what have i done to deserve this
am i just another unfortunate soul
but this is one battle i can't afford to lose
my life depends on it
it's time for a change
for my heart to smile
and my soul to rejoice
but i've ran out of words
i sit alone and speechless
someone stole the flowers off my grave
even in death they seem to torment me
in life i could not be saved
simply wasted away
because my heart was darkness
that contain the pain
i needed no roses
what is the world to a mindless fool
perhaps at death i was at my best
it was then i wanted to live
now am cover in dirt
looking from the other side
and even in death
the emptyness cannot hide
what faith i have not
such pain i have endure
but this is the end
no other chances to begin
so someone please return the flowers to my grave
this place would have some kind of life
Let it out
Not gonna hold it in
All bottled up inside
I'm gonna have a freak out
Not inside anymore
I'm gonna freak out
And let it go
He began to unfold me
With the young sweet hands I solely allowed just to hold me
Those hands could never scold me
My first and my only
Tempted to lust by the sweet words only his lips could have told me
My layers have yet to be peeled
By the love that only two lovers can feel
Uncover the layer that smothers the others
While playing the role of my ravenous lover
No words can be said
He speaks to me with his body instead
Maybe it's his eyes that keeps my hunger fed
This ardent man dances through every thought in my head
From when the sun displaces The moon who has fled
To when I allay my pensive thoughts in my bed
And when I yearn to return to the silence of the dead
I look in his eyes and my layer has shed.
But little did I know
My one and my only
Would falter to phony
Soon to leave me lonely
Leaving me to crave
The kiss that he gave
And in that romantic wave
To love I was a slave
Save me, he was supposed to save me from lies
Instead he looked from my eyes
And wore a heartless disguise
And I was so blind
Could have been losing my mind
When I wanted our love to be one of a kind
Finding our souls misplaced
This love we could have chased
But at the end of the race
We would both have to face
What we failed to embrace
What we could not erase
On this path of excitement, improperly traced
Cased inside of my heart
Where my love had its start
I was determined to hold on to what fell apart
As he unfolded me once
Unfolded me twice
I believed that every layer had a definite price.
So there he stood trying to give me his all
I could not have surmised a man to be so small
With no effort installed
Silence to my call
He could not break my fall
So I rebuilt my wall
My modesty caught me
His ignorance taught me
Never to settle
For him I had fought me
This war in my brain
Nearly drove me insane
What we had was forgotten and thrown down the drain
And I wonder sometimes, what could we have made
If we chanced a step forward out of the shade
And into the heat where our souls could have dwelled
Where we would stand to retell glorious tales
Of days when his fragrance was the sweetest smell
When we would dance and romance, into his arms I fell
But instead of reminiscing I left from his side
And marched on my path as I stepped on his pride
His pride that resides underneath what has died
Where he folds into himself and secretly hides
But he wants to take me and unfold me and bend me
Thinking maybe a hug will instantly mend me
I was wrong to relinquish the walls that defend me
I was wounded at heart but this will not end me
Envy and jealously are licked clean from my lips
As I bid him farewell with a shake of my hips
And I gaze at the eyes that seize to look into mine
Only to find a child perfectly blind
And this is whom I thought could unfold me and mold me
Now I giggle once believing lies he told me
He was as fake as the passion he showed me
His dexterity crumbles in desire to hold me
Although our love was ephemeral, I've plainly discovered
He was my dream lover and now I wish to recover
The mirth that once aligned us
Where passion intertwined us
To leave the past behind us
Prevarications confined us
He and I, we shall find us
By removing what blinds us
My vision divulges a devotion that binds us
Or better yet reminds us
To love wholeheartedly
Our hearts remarkably
Doth I let him release my troubling life's harness?
Or rather shall I call upon him to unfold me
As if to have me like he bought me and never sold me
Unfold me, my layers have yet to be peeled
Only his touch can allow me to heal
My longing ended when he began to hold me
No longer would those hands seemingly scold me
His veracity would shape me and ultimately mold me
As he began, to once again, unfold me.
To another I have a heart that can't be kept.
With shedding that can't be wept.
Always in the moment my heart may soar.
And then the next be nothing more.
For when I allow you to take my hand.
I hoping to see a well thought out plan.
Because I'm tired of false affections and lies.
I'm holding out for something more than just a gleam in your eyes.
But I'll keep telling myself not to easily fall.
To not dwell on every conversation, every phone call.
Because I know for certain where that may lead.
To be around you becomes an addiction, a need.
And somehow I know how thats going to end.
I've been experiencing deja vu over and over again.
I have walked with you on moonless nights
When the darkness was overwhelming.
I have held you cherished in my arms
When your heart was raw and aching
I have watched you grow from boy to man
And stood aside to let you shine
I have called you my dearest love
and am honored to call you my friend
I have weathered your raging storms
And kept a light on to guide you home.
I have seen you dance and watched you fall
But I never let you crash.
I tell my children of you often
But to them it's like a fairy tales.
How do I make them understand this love
So strong yet at times so frail
The miles seperate us now but I'm still near
Nothing could tear us apart, love precivers.
At times, I have stood in the shadows
Because I know you needed the light.
But if you ever turn around dear
I'll be by your side.
A bomb must be dropped for democracy to survive
Children must die to make room for new ones
And this coming from us
The heroes of the modern world
Shadows of something great stands in the dead flag of our nation
And the sheep shuffle along over the cliff to oblivion
The waters are poisoned and the food is rotten
Civilization is crumbling
And we steadily labor breaking the foundations of humanity
Full of the fat of the world
And caring not for it
We heroes of the modern world
He'll make me laugh
Make me cry
He'll be playful
And bore me to death
He'll understand me
As I will him
But he'll also confuse me
Like a map without a key
He'll love me
Or be scared of me
We'll love each other
And that'll be all that matters
And when I find this dream boy of mine
I'll let you know
That this poem is no dream
But it'll be my reality
A challenge is a challenge
Made mentally or physically
You can take it and face it
Or break it and run
Why do people run?
Well it’s time to step up
Take the challenge
It’ll help I swear
It’ll make us more us
And a challenge
Taken or denied
Shows others who we are
Remember a challenge is a challenge
You can take it and face it
Or break it and run
I grudge at the people
I grudge at the earth
Because no one takes notice
To what's on my turf
And negative energy, negative words
They lurk a baserk set of words as they work
In the midst of my mind
When it seems I can't find,
Patience to be kind
I let loose and unwind,
The emotions that fail
To make it easy to inhale
As I sail
Down a path that makes jail
To my, body my soul
It was lost long ago,
When I went down a river the boat I would row,
And my thoughts they ran low
When I told myself no
Don't turn back let's just go
And see what's there to show,
The mistake to explore
What was never seen before
Because it set me back one
Two, three, and four,
And I'll never forget
The sight that was hit
On my face
All my thoughts and they raced
And they raced for a moment,
I paced for a moment,
And placed all my thoughts on one base for a moment,
And tried to think why
No one ever stopped by
To say hi
They just lie
And their chins they raise high
As my hopes they all pry
And my dreams they all die
As i sit in my room with a sigh--
And I cry
Because I try to be someone I'm not deep inside
I'm just someone who wants to be seen--
My, oh my
Because I'm sick of the struggle as my life it gives in
It gives way to this world of mysterious sin,
And it's crazy how you think things work themselves out
But in fact
In a serious of doubts
On all of the things I have said
Let's go back to the beginnng so that you understand,
The pain that I have suffered
The days that I have smothered
Myself in my worries as I hurried to cover,
Myself from these people
But i stretch like a steeple
To rise above the rest
And lead to my success.
As I lead the followers,
The followers come by day
But if you will not lead or follow
Then you must get out of the way
So no more, I will not fear and hide
And keep my thoughts trapped inside
I will open myself for what is to come and finally get in line for the ride.
I will take a chance
On life and romance
And not be afraid to glance
And enhance on my life sacrifice to enlight all my days
But I, lay in my bed with a pray and I say:
But I can't help but wonder
If someone will strick thunder,
On my new days
On my new ways
And revert me back to being the same.
But all this confusion I simply fought
Because all that I have said, was just a thought
And I opened my eyes and realized to this century I must get caught
I grudge at the people
I grudge at the earth
Because no one has ever taken notice
To what's on my turf.
That insanity of yours, so chilling and real
cut ditch of destruction where bodies just fell in without asking.
You generated personas like the sun generates protons.
Protons are real however, and they make creams that protect you.
Alas, no such cream existed for you.
Go about your way, self-absorbed, destroying human beings
all while believing that you are enlightened.
We've all been given the gift of forgetting you.